


Rewriting the Rules

by T Verano (t_verano)



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Drabbles, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-22
Updated: 2008-07-22
Packaged: 2020-02-29 18:20:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18783622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_verano/pseuds/T%20Verano
Summary: Seven Ellison House Rules and how they changed. Or why. Or who...(Dialog-only drabbles!)





	Rewriting the Rules

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the wonderful, very generous, and very dear sallymn, for Moonridge '07. (And the blessedly patient Sally -- waiting a year for her six slash drabbles! ::hugs her gratefully::) 
> 
> The prompt she came up with for the drabbles was a delight to work with: Six house rules and how Blair gets around them. (That the rules turned out to be seven and the drabbles fifteen is because I can't get my fingers to shut up. Ever.)
> 
> Much credit and many thanks to janedavitt: she did three -- three ::squishes her:: -- betas of them for me and was the direct inspiration for several major and much-needed changes. I ended up both with more drabbles and with much better drabbles thanks to her insight and patience.

=============

 

Rule 46.   _No fertility statues in the living room. (Or anything else that makes me want to throw a blanket over it; this isn't the Smithsonian.)_

"No."

"But he looks _good_ there. Very life-affirming. And there isn't room for him in my bedroom, not unless I put him in the middle of the floor."

"I don't care if you have to put him in your bed and sleep with him; just get him out of my living room."

"Jim. Where's your sense of cultural significance? Of connection with the human condition?"

"That's not a condition, Sandburg, that's a mutation. _No_."

***

"What the hell happened?"

"Nothing, Jim. I just, uh, tripped. Go back to bed."

"Let me see first."

"No, I'm fine; go back to —"

"Shit; that's gonna turn into a prize-winning shiner. What did you… oh, don't  
tell me —"

"Go back to bed."

"— you tripped and almost poked your eye out on Elephant Dick here?"

"It's not funny."

"On a _penis_ , Chief?"

"Go away, Jim."

Rule 46.   _Suspended._  
      (Jim, put him down.)  
      (He's not staying in your room, Darwin. It's not safe.)  
      (Jim —)  
      (You're keeping him in the living room, got it? Against the wall. And I'm padding that… thing.)

 

=============

 

Rule 21.   _Breakfast.  
    sub-section a.  Algae shakes, aka sewage: Not in my kitchen — don't make me hurt you, Chief._

"If you have to drink that shit, go drink it on the balcony. It smells like pond scum in here."

"Jim, I'm not having breakfast with the pigeons."

" _I'm_ not having breakfast with pond scum, Chief."

"Way to make a guy feel loved, buddy… What?… Crap, I got it in my hair again, didn't I?… Hey, give that back, what're you — You know, pouring my breakfast down the drain because you don't like the way it smells is incredibly immature, Ellison."

***

"Shit, what a mess."

"Man, I just hoped it'd get in his eyes and slow him down enough so I could grab something to knock him out with, you know? And I had the glass in my hand when he broke in the door, and it was either toss it in his face, or —"

"Getting him to puke himself into custody; only you, Chief."

"— untie my robe and flash him, or —"

Rule 21.   _Breakfast._  
    sub-section a.   _Revoked._  
          (Like I ever followed it.)  
          (Just remember those shakes are weapons, Sandburg — literally.)  
          (Nice, Jim.)  
          (And keep your fucking robe tied.)  
          (Huh? Jim?)

 

=============

 

Rule 12.   _No Sex in the Loft. (You, Sandburg; not me. It's my loft.)_

"Tell me you didn't drive like this."

"Wha'?… Naw. Taxi. Nice taxi. Jim, Jim, she dumped me. Why'd she dump me, Jim?"

"Because she's a fool, Chief. C'mon, let's get you —"

"Din't love her, she said. Of _course_ I din't. Din't say it, either. Never lie about _that_ —"

"Sandburg —"

" _You_ wouldn' dump me, would you, Jim? I mean, if I ever tol' you. Not gonna tell you, though, 'kay? Too chickenshit. Know you prob'ly don' love me back. Fuck, Jim, why don' you love me back?"

***

"Blair. We need to talk."

"Why're you looking at me like that? I _know_ getting tanked was stupid; I just wasn't expecting Ilsa to —"

"How much do you remember about last night?"

"God, what'd I do? I was drunk, man; don't hold whatever it was against me, okay?"

"Oh, I think I want to. No more Ilsas, understand?"

"What? What the hell did I — "

"No more chickenshit anthropologists, or chickenshit cops…"

"Huh? Chickenshit? Uh, Jim, what're you… _Jim?_ You… me… you kissed, you — _kissed_ … you, me — I… _God_ , Jim —"

Rule 12.   _Revoked._  
      (Hell, obliterated.)  
      (That rule always sucked, Jim.)

 

=============

 

Rule 27.   _Grout Maintenance._  
    sub-section c.   _As Penalty for Used-Towel Mishandling._

"When you have grout, Sandburg, you scrub it twice a month."

"The operative word there being 'you', man."

"No, the operative word there being put your used towels in the hamper where they belong, like a civilized human being, and we'll take turns, so you'll only have to scrub the grout once a month; I'm a fair person."

"Fair? Jim, there's nothing fair _or_ civilized about —"

"Hey, watch your technique, Chief; do it right or do it over. And put some effort into it, it won't get clean without —"

***

"Ow! — hey, no; I'm okay, just my shoulders. And my neck — ow, and my back. And my hands. Crap. Sorry, Jim, I don't think I can — No, ouch, that's not gonna work either… _Ow_. Or that. You _know_ I can't hold still when I —"

"Oh, for God's sake. You were scrubbing _grout_ , Chief, not —"

"Hey, it wasn't _my_ idea to limit our options like this — probably for _days_ , dammit —"

Rule 27. _Grout Maintenance. Revised._  
    sub-section c. _Revoked. All future grout maintenance to be performed by JJE._  
          (You're a manipulative little shit, you know that?)  
          (Just trying to keep you happy, Jim.)

 

======================

 

Rule 3.   _No Eating on the Couch._

"Sandburg, that was _my_ — Hey, watch it!"

"Geez, sneak up on a guy, why don't you? Look what you made me do!"

"You steal the last slice of my — _my_ — pizza, then you drop it upside down on the couch? What happened to 'I don't want any pizza, Jim. Don't order any for me, Jim. I'm going to have popcorn, Jim.'? You _have_ popcorn, Sandburg… Correction. You _had_ popcorn."

"Wait, where're you going with my popcorn? The movie's about to start!"

"House rule, remember? No eating on the couch."

"Oh, come _on_ , Jim —"

***

"Eating's eating, Jim. It's _your_ rule, not eating anything on the — "

"Oh, no. No. I did _not_ sit through that bullshit briefing this afternoon, trying to keep my dick from breaking out through my zipper while praying to God nobody else could hear what you were muttering, only for you to pervert my perfectly reasonable —"

"Hey, I'd forgotten your 'perfectly reasonable' rule when I offered to suck you off during the halftime show, okay? And the last time I circumvented one of your rules, you spent three days calling me a 'manipulative little —'"

Rule 3. _Revoked._  
      (Manipulative little shit.)  
      (Dick.)  


==============

 

Rule 52. _Apron, Not Making Fun Of.  
      It was a gift, Sandburg. And I'm too secure in my masculinity to be hurt, anyway; give it up already._

"June."

"Hand me that tomato, Chief. What's in June?"

"Here, catch… Not June: _'June'_ — you know; 'not Betty'. Betty is all motherly and wholesome and cheery. Crocker-y. But June, man — cooking for Ward and the boys in pearls and high heels; I can _so_ see you in —"

"Finish that sentence and die young and unmourned, Sandburg."

"Not as secure in your masculinity as you thought, huh? Hey, whoa, put the tomato down, Jim —"

***

"You're wearing that apron just to make coffee? You're — okay, I know what you're doing. You're hoping I'll get all weirdly turned on by your apron and your 'utensils' again, aren't you? Hoping I'll get… turned on… and back you against the counter… again… and kneel down… again; mouth this big, sturdy… spatula of yours right through this… ridiculous… apron… again… before I… Jesus, Jim, what _is_ it about this ridiculous —"

"Pavlov's… unnnh… apron, apparently... God, babe; yeah, like _that_ —"

Rule 52. _Revoked._  
      (You do know how sad that rule was?)  
      (Says Apron Kink Boy.)  
      (Just wear the apron, Jim.)

 

=================

 

Rule 34.   _Tupperware. Mine is blue. Yours is red. Your stuff stays away from my stuff. No seaweeds-of-the-world stew or fermented insect paste in mine; got that?_

"You know, if my 'stuff' _really_ stayed away from your 'stuff', blue would be the right color for your —"

"Smart-ass. But the next time I find something slimy and twitching in one of _my_ —"

"Jim, chill. It wasn't twitching. Slimy — okay, I'll give you that, but it was down for the count, man. And hey, it woke you up."

" _Coffee_ wakes me up, Sandburg. That carton should've had strawberries in it, dammit. _My_ —"

***

"God, I'm so fucking sorry, Jim. I'm a total shit; you wouldn't have eaten it if it'd been in a red carton, like it was supposed to be, like it would have been if I'd done what you asked me to for once — just this fucking _once_ — but no; I have to put the stupid fucking brownie in one of _your_ cartons, like a total fucking _idiot_ — You gotta be okay, man; you gotta wake up soon and be okay, Jim, or I'm not gonna… I'm not… I can't… Oh God, Jim. Please wake up. Please be okay. _Please_ , Jim."

***

"A student tries to give you anything, you don't touch it, understand? That rat-fucker's attempt at a little chemical revenge could've —"

"Could've fucking _killed_ you — God, Jim, I know; I swear I'm never touching your cartons again."

"That's _not_ what I — You listen worth crap, you know that? Get your abject ass over here; I've got a little show and tell for you."

"I don't —"

"Shut up and look in the bag on the counter, babe. I bought something for us."

"Yellow?… Jim?"

"New color; new rule, Chief: 'Ours'."

 ~~Rule 34. _Tupperware._~~ _[refer to Ellison / Sandburg Joint House Rules, 1]_  
 


End file.
